Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
