it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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