whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
