I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my being single is dangerous.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
