I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
