I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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