Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
