I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
