You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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