I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
