the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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