i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
