yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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