I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
