apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
