I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Holy shit dude........stairs
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
