i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize