my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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