Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
