She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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