ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
this hospital has no fireball
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
