Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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