420 ftw
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
