would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
