So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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