absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize