You made me cry and you don't even care
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
