Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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