Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
