I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it glows. i had to have it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
