watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
