ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
