I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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