I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
