I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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