it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
