hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
