the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
