Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
...so i touched it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
