Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
this hospital has no fireball
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
