I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize