Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
