ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
