i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
