Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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