i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize