I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize