new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
sarcasm needs its own font
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
