yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
