this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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