apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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