Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
