guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
