I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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