I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
