Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
