I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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