rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
